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The 5 Most Questionable Romantic Subplots in Video Games

In highlight of Valentine's Day, let's countdown some truly unwanted romantic subplots in video games.

By CD TurnerPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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Snake, don't touch her, she breathes from her skin. (Quiet, Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain.)

What's the equivalent of "bah, humbug!" in relation to Valentine's Day? Probably, "I'm lonely" or "at least Pornhub has that free premium week." If you are fortunate enough to have a significant other to spoil on this non-holiday of all non-holidays, be sure not to waste it being turned off by these awkwardly unromantic plots in video games.

Video games, for a lot of people, are an escape from a lonely life or from even a sour relationship you're too noble to fix or end. I personally don't mix video games and sexual gratification because... why? I play video games to play video games, not to get my rocks off? I mean, you have such predilections to mix play with pleasure, I'm not judging you. But the games I talk about have romance subplots that are so stupid, forced, or unbearably cringy that it makes you nearly want to turn the console/PC off.

So, without further ado, let's countdown the 5 most questionable romantic subplots in video games.

5. Alex/Elle ('Silent Hill: Homecoming')

You might think the lip-pursing is endearing, but it just makes you look like a horse. (Elle, Alex, Silent Hill: Homecoming.)

You know why Silent Hill 2 did so well despite the entirety of the plot revolving around a lost love? Because it was realistic, heart-breaking, and downright terrifying. Love is not the bright, happy yellow crayon sun, flowers, and hearts drawn by children; love is tragic as much as its life-affirming. However, Silent Hill: Homecoming's burgeoning love subplot left a lot to be desired. Plenty of people will probably rail on this, saying that they were just friends. But I ask you, if they were just friends, why the hell did I have to sit through the world's most uncomfortable, awkward boat ride while Alex and Elle had a heart-to-heart?

Silent Hill: Homecoming was a disappointment in much more ways other than its attempt to recapture Silent Hill 2's essence, because that's what it essentially was, an attempt to recreate Silent Hill 2. In fact, playing the Westernized Silent Hills after Silent Hill 4 is like playing Silent Hill 2 trope bingo. Amnesia? Check. Lost family member? Check. Creepy child? Check. Except none of it was done in an original way. I liked some elements of the plot, the whole sacrificing children for a malevolent god and having them come back as grotesque boob monsters that look like something from The Human Centipede. However, in such a game where a boss is literally a pregnant spider lady from the depths of hell, it's just not the game to shoehorn in a pointless love story.

4. Ethan/Melissa Love Scene ('Heavy Rain')

Press X to feel uncomfortable. (Melissa, Ethan, Heavy Rain.)

Nothing gets the motor running like having a child be kidnapped. I'm not sure Heavy Rain deserved to be called a game, because it played like an interactive movie.

"Um, CD. Wouldn't that be a game?"

By that argument, pressing pause on an actual film is also a game. If I want to watch a movie, I'd fire up Netflix, not my PS3. Maybe I'd use my PS3 to watch Netflix, because that's only $7.99 a month, not nearly $70. Until Dawn is an example of a compelling interactive story, because it's about escaping monsters, not wiggling analog sticks to make awkward, pixelated love to your significant other.

In Heavy Rain, that's exactly what we got. We thought by just pressing the interaction, the characters would just freely play out the love scene on their own without further direction, but no. Instead, we have to do quick-time events to initiate their foreplay. It's not even a good love scene because games have still not mastered kissing, so it looks like a Barbie and Ken doll smashing their plastic faces together. Yeah, nothing churns my butter like watching dolls smashing non-existent (at least, I assume) genitals.

3. Citra/Jason ('Far Cry 3')

Would you murder your girlfriend to sleep with her? (Citra, Far Cry 3.)

Jason Brody is an unlucky guy. He goes to Bangkok to celebrate his brother's pilot certification, because... why not? They all go skydiving and end up captured by pirates. Like, actual sea-faring pirates, not a gang that shares downloaded hentai over VPNs. Push goes to shove, and Jason ends up being under the mercy of Citra, the leader of the Rakyat warriors. So, Jason then kills all the leaders of this illegal slave trade and leaves the island with his friends. Yeah?

Uh, no. Instead, he agrees to do quests for the Rakyat and becomes a revered killing machine, so revered in fact that Citra falls in love with him because she believes him to be some mythological legend. You then have a choice: either kill your friends and have merry fornication with Citra or refuse to kill your friends and Citra presumably dies. So, you being the goody-goody and having no unholy sexual craving for pixelated promiscuity, you decide to save your friends. Right? Right?! Or you kill your friends and have sex with Citra in a ritual only to be stabbed right when it finishes. Doesn't matter, had sex?

2. Kratos/Aphrodite ('God of War' [2009])

I don't think Kratos would be a tender lover. (Kratos, Aphrodite, God of War [2009.])

The original God of War had seriously questionable female representation. This series is about gods and goddesses from Greek and Norse mythology. You'd think the goddess of love and beauty would be represented as more than an experience depo, but that's precisely what Aphrodite serves as in the first God of War game. That's not all, when you initiate the sexual encounter, it's turned into a button-pressing mini-game. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you just have to know how to push the right buttons and boom, sex.

But there's a game that's even worse for sexism like this...

1. Vincent/Katherine/Catherine ('Catherine')

Because that's not assuming anything at all. (Vincent, Catherine, Catherine.)

If you need a game to accurately represent respectful gender politics, this isn't it. Catherine is so blatantly sexist and insultingly fetishistic that it doesn't deserve to be called a video game. But it's a rare example of both misandry and misogyny in one medium. On the one hand, Vincent is presented as a stereotypical clueless male fueled by his hormones. He has a girlfriend named Katherine (with a K) who wants their relationship to mature into something long-term, but Vincent is scared of commitment and can't seem to tell her the truth. However, instead of doing the responsible thing and being honest, he has an affair with Catherine (with a C).

The misogyny comes into play when Vincent sleeps with Catherine and he immediately puts the blame on her for seducing him. In the midst of all this bullshit, he has dream sequences where the player needs to lead him up block puzzles all the while avoiding being eaten by a monstrous representation of Catherine, which is, of course, her ass. No, really. Here's gameplay footage. You can scream at me that's she's a demon all you want, it doesn't change the fact that Vincent is a fucking moron that evidently can't say no. There are literally sheep dudes in the dream sequences that have been "overtaken" by Catherine's seductive wiles, because men are sheep when it comes to attractive women and therefore, are not at fault, apparently.

Thanks for reading this list! If you liked my article, please read some other ones. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.

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About the Creator

CD Turner

I write stories and articles. Sometimes they're good.

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