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I see a lot of weird things around the internet. I love weird. Weird is great. But sometimes I see weird that just makes me go... why?
And a truly bizarre niche I stumbled upon recently is online games dedicated to Frozen. There are a lot of run-of-the-mill dressup or makeover games there, sure, tons of them. But among them... I found these. These are something else entirely. You're gonna think I'm making these up. So let me just start this off by saying no, no I'm not. And I've got proof. I'll link to every game, and you can play them yourself if you don't believe me.
And there are so MANY, on this site, from the tame to the... well, WTF. I picked my five favorites, but I'm sure you'll have your own. Ah, internet.
1) Frozen Anna Brain Surgery
Cool, let's start this weirdness off right.
Anna, as we know, has some problems. She's been emotionally and mentally through the traumatic wringer in the events of [Frozen](movie:411685), having lost her parents at a young age and been isolated from her only living relative, living in a dark and lonely castle, and then being shouldered with the huge burden of having to save her entire kingdom (plus, you know, the whole deal with the first guy to ever show any interest in her turning out to be a homicidal villain bent on killing her and her sister to steal the crown). That would mess anybody up, to be honest.
But it looks like she's got some literal brain trauma too. And since Arandelle apparently has access to modern medical technology and brain surgeons, we're stepping in to give her a hand, the way only truly qualified internet gamers can.
You put her in an MRI machine, shave her freaking head, and look at her x-rays. She has brain tumors... in the shape of hearts, snowflakes, Elsa, and Olaf. What? I don't understand. I'm missing something here. But moving on, we then take off pieces of her skin, remove the tumors, put the skin back on, and wave a magic wand to make it all better, hair and all. Wow.
And just to prove I'm not making this up, you can play the game right the frick here. Go ahead. Give Anna the brain surgery she apparently needs. Have at it. You can do that now. What a time to be alive. Judging from her serene smile, she feels great about having major neural surgery, too.
2) Elsa Ear Emergency
I shudder to even think what even happened here. What in the heck evil curse has befallen Elsa to have this grossness in her ears? She's got fluid, weird gross gunk, actual live bugs and what looks like some kind of candy or maybe said bug larvae, and some really weird hair growth. And it's up to us to remove all of this, through the wonders of modern medicine. You can check out this weirdness here. I don't really have much to say here, because my brain is still kind of broken from the last one (no pun intended) but... it's there. It sure does exist.
3) Elsa Toilet Decoration
I just have so many questions here. So many more questions than answers.
Why are we in Elsa's bathroom? Does Arandelle even have fully developed indoor plumbing? Why is she giving us this weirdly seductive look, not at all troubled by the fact that strangers are watching her at least sit on her toilet, if not actually use it? Why is the music so soothing? (Seriously, I have it on in the background right now, it's nice.) Why is one of the toilet options angel wings?
I don't know. I just don't know. But it's my job to bring you the real story. The straight poop. (Sorry, I had to.)
But you'll also be glad to know that you can make her do various things, including, apparently... go. Complete with sound effects.
Yep, pretty sure I saw that one coming. (Also, see the camera and printer icons? You can print off your beautiful Elsa bathroom and hang it in your house. You know, if you want to do that. I might have to do that. I'm just so proud.)
4) Baby Elsa Spinal Surgery
I'm not sure what it is about the weird medical things in these games, but there are a lot of them.
Now, I actually have a bunch of spine/skull problems, so I was going "holy crap, are we really going to give her scoliosis surgery, like I almost had as a kid?" Fortunately (unfortunately?) not - at first it looks like baby Elsa just fell through a broken window or something, because she has sticks, leaves and broken glass in her back. Granted, that's terrible enough for a little kid, but at least we're not rearranging her freaking bones. (Or brain, unlike another game I could mention.)
Or so I thought. That fall out the window was a lot worse than we thought, apparently.
I'm actually not going to post the pictures, because they're weirdly graphic, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about sharing pictures of the terrible injuries of a Disney toddler. (The brain/ear diagram was just cartoony, these are like actual drawn blood/bones.) It just seems weird to me. Really this whole game seems weird, which is why it's on this list, but. Rest assured, you DO actually go in and rearrange baby Elsa's tiny vertebrae with pliers. And drills... it's pretty disturbing. Frozen characters as children is one place where I could do without gritty realism.
On the upside, you get to give her a little fashion makeover at the end, so at least she feels pretty after her potentially life-threatening injury. Okay. Cool.
And finally, drumroll please...
5) "Spank Elsa Butt Game"
So this one's a little easier to figure out. Where the first ones are just weird (I mean really, brain surgery?), this one... well, yeah, it's a fetish game, obviously. Fetishes are often weird. We got that. But it's just kind of hilarious that someone took the time, energy and effort to make this, and keep it in the recognizable cartoon style. (And by hilarious we mean slightly disturbing? I mean Elsa's over 18 though so...?)
Here are some instructions, just in case you forgot how to spank booty:
You heard the directions, everybody come hit Elsa's ass.
But that's not the weird part - that I get. What's weird and What The Frozen about this game, is that it actually scores you on how fast you spank the booty. You can hit her butt with a variety of tools (at which she gives a little scream and cries, which made me not want to at all... but you know, some people are creepily into that...) - and it tells you how many MPH your booty-smack was. I can't even believe I'm typing these words. I'm a hard-hitting journalist. (Hard-spanking?)
I'm so sorry, Elsa. (Can we have a game sequel where she ice-blasts the crap out of everybody who spanked her too hard? That would be fun. More fun than ear surgery anyway.)
And with that, I say good day. Until next time, enjoy the weird.