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Could you get turned on from looking at an 8-bit character?
In the 1980s, all video games were 8-bit, and some companies were crazy enough to try their hand at making erotic, adult video games for geeks who hadn't yet heard of Playboy. Shockingly enough, there were people out there who bought these titles! Why? We still aren't sure. The worst part though? Developers only double-downed as graphics got better in a lot of instances!
The adult video game world is a lot older than you'd think. Most of those games didn't really stand the test of time, and not just because they were misogynistic, either. They were often so poorly-made that they were comical, and featured plots that don't make sense.
If you took a look at the games that were being made, you'd understand why many X-rated video games have been forgotten. Then again, some weren't so bad. Just remember though that if you remember some of titles, you might have been a perv back in the day.
Critical Point was a game that was released in 2003, and unlike most adult video games, actually aged relatively well. Much of its warm reception came from the fact that the graphics were based on hentai style drawings—and it also had a decent storyline.
The game involved an interstellar fight, sexy anime women, and a little bit of mech thrown into the mix. Anyone who enjoys hentai probably would still find some enjoyment in playing Crystal Point today. That being said, don't expect much animation in this game.
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
You're going to see a lot of Leisure Suit Larry on lists of inappropriate video games ever made, primarily because it was one of the most successful adult video game franchises in history. Despite its success, it was not actually a good game series if you actually play it.
The original Leisure Suit Larry point-and-click adventures were kind of okay, aside from the terrible and unrealistic writing. By the time Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude worked its way into mainstream use, it became glaringly cringe-inducing.
The animation was subpar, the gameplay was pretty awkward, and as you can see in this clip, the entire idea was to get college girls drunk enough to sleep with a goofy Elmer Fudd-looking guy.
Playboy: The Mansion
The Playboy empire remains one of the most glamorous adult entertainment empires ever made, and at the center of this company's fame was the Playboy Mansion. It was a mansion that held star-studded parties, X-rated photoshoots, and (if you believe the rumors) sordid orgies.
Hugh Hefner's home was the place that every single guy wanted to go to. Being the savvy business Playboy was, they decided to roll out a video game that would hopefully bring the mansion over to them.
Thus, Playboy: The Mansion was born.
The biggest problem with Playboy: The Mansion is pretty obvious. The programmers pretty much just slapped a Playboy bunny skin on a version of The Sims and hoped for the best. The animation was pretty awful, and even the sexy scenes they decided to include took the steam out of itself.
This forgotten title is probably one that the folks at Playboy want you to forget. We can't blame them.
Oh goodness. This game.
Catfight was a pretty good representation of everything that was wrong with X-rated video games in the early 90s. Most adult video games of this time were made for a quick buck. This one wasn't too different, and it was fairly apparent.
Ever wonder what makes Mortal Kombat so special? Well, one reason was the very clear rip-offs of the game; Catfight being a very clear one of those, simply combined with more fan service. The plot (if it can even be considered one) follows a woman's fight against other "goddesses" to become the strongest warrior in the universe.
The characters are what make this retro game comically bad. Among the sexy characters you can choose from are a SubZero knock off, a woman wearing a skull mask, a 'roided up bodybuilder, and what appears to be Joan Rivers wearing sunglasses.
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties
If Catfight was everything that's wrong with fan-service games, then Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is everything that's wrong with the 90s in general. This game was supposed to be "romantic" while still remaining sexual.
The game starts off with a quick tutorial, using live video cutscenes of a very bored-looking model in front of a wrinkled white sheet. Terrible graphics, awful voice acting, and writing that would make a reader who took a ton of ecstasy depressed are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
The actual game itself isn't even animated, and is all based on having parents nag them into having babies. The rockabilly music montage lets you remove awkward sensor bars if you so choose, but let's be real, you don't want to.
If you don't choose what the game wants you to choose, a guy in a chicken mask scolds you. The game also follows zero form of continuity, so you really don't have to try to get into the plot. Just, you know, watch the bored-looking model strip from time to time to MIDI rockabilly music or something.
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties isn't even a game, really. It's an interactive story with horrible graphics, an even more horrible plot, and the most aggravating gameplay out there.
General Custer's Revenge
It's hard to imagine a game that can be worse than Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, but hey, the 80s were a wild time. Awful and misogynistic as 90s adult video games were, what came out in the decade prior somehow managed to outdo them when it came to shit quality.
Custer's Revenge remains one of the most notoriously awful video games ever made. To a point, this was actually planned out. It had to be, because the entire premise of the game is having General Custer raping Native American women at the battle of Waterloo.
The graphics are awful. The plot concept is awful. Everything is awful, awful, awful. It's considered to be the worst video game ever made by many.
Lula: The Sexy Empire
Lula was Europe's version of the Leisure Suit Larry franchise, and it followed a poorly-animated woman in lingerie while she did stuff. The older titles were pretty terrible, but were usually shipped out in Russia or Germany.
The only real video game title to actually have some kind of player base in the United States was Lula: The Sexy Empire. This game was a point-and-click that was issued out a little too late, but just a wee bit too early for people not to pan it for being offensive.
In Lula: The Sexy Empire, you have to run a porn empire in a random Western town. All the while, you have to blackmail men and beat up people at random. The thing about this game is that it's strikingly forgettable, and that's impressive in its own right.
Another close second to Custer's Revenge is Burning Desire. This "erotic" video game features a damsel in distress that you have to save. You do this by extinguishing the fire (those plant-like things) using your drool (hopefully) while hanging from a helicopter.
You can't really get aroused by watching a squirming pile of blocks, but it's not like any of the other adult video games out there really made sense in the 80s. Horror stories are made out of these adult games—at least, if you're a programmer.
That being said, the fact that you put out fires by drooling says plenty. As far as games go, this is pathetically bad. Even if it wasn't made for the Atari 2600, it still would suck.
Did you know that Konami once made a million-dollar adult video game? It was called Riana Rouge, and it starred a Playboy model. Riana, as she's called, caught her boss trying to rape a coworker, and then gets thrown out the window.
Rather than die, she gets transported into an alternate universe where she becomes a superheroine who has to defeat a dictator (her boss) and rescue her friend (the alternate dimension coworker).
The game itself had a lot of fetish vibes to it, with plenty of good ol' fashioned lesbianism added to it, too.
Despite the reasonably good animation, Riana Rouge never really made it to the mainstream. It could be the terrible acting, but hey, we're not psychic.
The high price tag plus the low number of players plus the pretty awful reviews made it a total flop. Thus ended Konami's foray into high budget lesbian stuff.
Perhaps one of the oldest adult video games to be found on a computer was Softporn Adventure. This MS-DOS game can barely be called a game, really, but it still somehow managed to be playable in its own interactive book kind of way.
These days, things like Softporn Adventure would probably just be considered written erotica. Back then, it was groundbreaking work. It's amazing how things change, isn't it? Now, all that can be done is to reminisce about forgotten video game titles you actually miss so that you can avoid these cringe-worthy adult video games like the plague.