If you know me, you know how obsessed I am with my Nintendo Switch. I love the little system; getting to play current gen games on both the big screen and in my hands is an awesome feature. The Switch has a library of some amazing games, too, like Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey. Both of those were two of the best Switch games of 2017. But with the good must come the bad.
Back in the days of the Wii, the eShop was plagued with shovelware in order to make a quick buck from dumb consumers who didn't know any better. Steam is currently facing a huge shovelware problem, and the Switch's eShop is next in line. Make sure to avoid the worst Switch games out there right now as to not waste your time or money on these sad excuses for video games.
Troll & I
Troll & I could've been great. It looked like a mix of Tale of Two Brothers and The Last Guardian, which sounds like an absolute blast. Plus you could play in co-op mode! What what's not to love?
The entire game, that's what. First of all, did they have a single playtester for this game, or did they make it and immediately ship it out? Because that's what it feels like with the constant graphical glitches and poor rendering. Items clip through one another, the camera is super jarring, and the lighting doesn't load properly 90 percent of the time. This game looks super cool, but it's just a mess. It felt more like they shipped out the alpha version than the complete game.
You walk around, ground pounding the tiles to make them your color, trying to make the whole board your color before your friends do. If this sounds like a Mario Party mini-game to you, you're not alone. While Flip Wars isn't necessarily a bad game, it's just freaking boring.
Yeah right, like I'm going to shell out $10 just to smack my avatar's butt on the ground for a few minutes. Even if this were a Mario Party mini-game, it wouldn't be one you and your friends would hope to get. The developer of this game filed for bankruptcy not long after release, so it sounds like this game didn't do too well. Just go play Bomberman if you want the exact same experience with actual, well, fun. Or wait for Super Mario Party, one of the most anticipated Switch games of 2018.
Vroom in the Night Sky
Just... look at this. This looks like someone just learned the basics of how to program a video game and then put it out on the market expecting people to buy it. Sitting at a hilariously low Metacritic score of 17/100, Vroom in the Night Sky is objectively one of the worst Switch games out there.
How did Nintendo even allow this on their eShop? I know they have an approval process! What intern looked at it and said, "Yeah, that's good"? I hope he's been fired, because this is just a disaster. Plus the translations are god awful. When you win, the game just shouts, "Screw you!" Yeah, screw you too, Vroom in the Night Sky.
I wanted to like Sonic Forces, I really did. 3D Sonic games have been historically... bad. I want to like them though. I had a blast playing Sonic Adventures 2 as a kid (it hasn't aged well, sadly) and would love for a new 3D Sonic game to recapture the fun I had with it. Unfortunately, Sonic Forces does nothing to improve upon the series' many flaws.
It's better than Sonic Boom in terms of "playable," but that's about it. The avatar maker was a cool idea, but it churned out some serious nightmare fuel. The level design is awful for fast-moving characters, the avatar abilities are completely broken and unbalanced, and the plot is as nonsensical as ever. Go play Sonic Mania instead if you need your hedgehog fix. It's cheaper anyway.
The Deer God
Another game I wanted to like, The Deer God, has absolutely stunning music and graphics. And that's where the positives end, unfortunately. The levels are randomly generated, which works well in games like Minecraft, but not in a 2D platformer. The whole point of 2D platformers is that they are carefully designed to balance fun and challenging.
With The Deer God, it's either really boring and easy or really hard and frustrating. There's not even any satisfaction in getting through the hard zones; it just feels like a waste of your time because anything that comes after is just randomly just as hard or way too easy and uninteresting. Dear God (hehe) is it a waste of your time, money, and sanity.
Wow, a WWE 2K game on the Switch? Heck yeah! ...Or, that's what fans would've said if this game didn't make me feel like I was having a stroke while playing it. The framerate is embarrassingly low for the entire game, there's stuttering everywhere, the visuals look straight out of the Gamecube era, and they expect you to pay $60 for this completely incompetent port of a game.
Seriously, who ported this? Did they even think, maybe, for a quick second, that maybe they shouldn't try and sell this to people in its current state? Apparently not. The worst part of all of this is that 2K announced they would not bring WWE 2K19 to the Switch because nobody bought the 2K18 version... well duh! Who would spend money on this piece of garbage? Make the game work right and we'll buy it!
Don't be fooled by what looks to be the next Wii Sports. 1-2 Switch was a launch title for the Nintendo Switch and while it could've been fun if it were bundled with the system, this collection of mediocre party games sells for $50. The games range from "pretty fun the first time but boring after a few more plays" to "dear god why did anyone think this would be fun to play."
Even when I played this game drunk with my friends, it got boring fast. C'mon, party games are supposed to be more fun when you're drunk! If this were $10, fine, I could say give it a shot, but it's absolutely not worth $50. There's not even really a game on the screen, the whole point is to stare at the other players! What is the $50 going toward, the bad costume designer?
Oh, if only this game was a vaccine preventing bad games from existing. Instead, Vaccine is a shameless Resident Evil clone that doesn't even try to capture the greatness that was RE1. I get what they were going for with the PS1-style graphics, but they just don't look good nowadays. You can update pixel graphics to make them look good in the modern era, but you can't make bad 3D models look good these days. It just looks lazy.
So not only does the aesthetic of this game fail to grab our nostalgia, the gameplay reminds me of the worst of that generation too. The fixed camera is jarring when it switches back and forth between rooms, the enemies are far too powerful, and you can never really tell where you're aiming your shot. Yeah, it's best to leave these gameplay elements in the past. Why did Vaccine insist on bringing them back? There are other, better retro games on Switch. Just get those.
Slain: Back from Hell
What is it with these bad Switch games and having awesome music and graphics? They're trying to fool me with good art direction to cover up their terrible game design! Seriously though, if you're in the market to throw your Switch across the room, I guess you can look into getting Slain: Back from Hell.
I mean, there's a place for difficult games on the market. Dark Souls: Remastered is coming out for the Switch this year, and everyone is hype for that! But that game is actually, you know, fun. This game is just unfair. Cheap deaths, poor level design, and imprecise controls will have you breaking your controller before you're even at the first boss.
Squareboy vs Bullies: Arena Edition
Mash the A button, the game! Seriously, the game takes so little strategy that my cat could play it. Looks like they chose to make the graphics simple and apparently decided the gameplay needed to be too. First of all, the art direction is so uninspired—I made doodles more interesting in the corner of my calc notebooks in high school. You're a square and you punch other squares. Sometimes they wear a hat. That's it. Yay.
A good game that's designed as a beat-em-up should be simple at first and then dive into complex controls and tense boss battles. Squareboy here has none of that. Just beat up these squares, move onto the next screen, and beat up more squares. There's so little substance here I can't even think of more to say about it. Just don't buy what is definitely one of the worst Switch games on the eShop.